Screw the story……..

“When you cant look on the bright side, you will always be sitting in the dark”

Such a helpless quote. What bright side is there for me? Only being able to be with and know about my baby for 2 weeks. In that two weeks I fell madly in love with him, the idea of him, the potential of him. I fell so deeply in love, it was such a deep love; nothing like I have ever experienced before and will never allow myself to feel again. It was such a dangerous love. A love that had the potential to destroy me. A love that has destroyed the core of who I am and changed me forever.

“If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are truly yours”

Another helpless quote; I loved someone, I in a way set them free but they will never come back to me, never. I cry often, but I cry mostly in the shower, no one can hear me there and they wont be able to see the tears streaming down my face. I cry on my way to work, because if Israel (my baby) was here I wouldn’t be going to work. I cry on my way home from work because I know he wont be there and never will.

I hope one day I’m at peace with myself. I hope I can take a shower without crying and I can close my eyes without thinking about my funeral. I hope one day I start singing again and I am happy for no reason. I hope I get better, even if I don’t deserve it.

“Sleep will not help if it’s your soul that is tired”

The hardest part about waking up in the morning is remembering what I tried to forget the night before. Yes I’m a mess; My heads a storm and my chest is empty.

I may come across strong, but I really feel like crying. I act like nothing is wrong but I’m really good at lying.


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