Wow, what a wee emotional roller coaster today was. For some reason I was drawn to go and visit baby’s memorial tree hidden perfectly away in the hills watching over the whole city. I’ve just started to force myself to listen to my instinct again ( it’s never let me down). I swore I would never go there again. It was too contaminated by ‘Shaun’. He always kissed, touched, rubbed my body there. It was to hard going there and missing his baby as well as the memory of being with him. But it kept poping into my mind to go. So I swallowed my promise with myself and went there. I arrived and it has been destroyd. My person letters left open and obviously read, my canvas ripped, things broken. I just sat and cried, cried in dispair. Why would someone do this, someone has read my inner my personal thoughts, someone has sat where I have slept, where I have cried, where I have thrown up, where I have had my loneliest, darkest moments. I reflected on the past year and realised that at my darkest moments i have always been alone. Alone at the scan, alone on the table, alone at that tree, alone on that bridge, alone driving towards that wall. I have always been alone wishing someone was with me. Wishing someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok ?Wondering if I was even noticed? Wondering if I was even thought about?
Sadly the answer is no…..
I still wish for those things……. My heart is so empty wishing someone to be my friend, to share my pain, to look me in the eyes and say I understand.
But once again the answer is no…..