#whatyoudontsee

I stumbled across this hashtag whilst reading through buzz feed. 

“#whatyou don’t see is that depression is a million agonising feelings or you don’t feel anything at all”

Whoever wrote that must be able to read my mind. I can either be on the brink of tears, swallowing that unbearable lump over and over again or completely detached from life, my surroundings and people that I’m like a sad portrait sitting on a wall. 

“#whatyoudontsee is the terror that someone might notice that somethings wrong and the pain when know one does” 

I walk around work, we my head and my heart in the sand. So ashamed of myself, not making eye contact with anyone or anything. I feel such sadness, like there is a gaping hole in my chest where my heart once sat. How can people not see this hole? It’s so big . You must be able to see it in my eyes, glassed over with tears with shame reflecting off them. 

So time for my own #whatyoudontsee….

What you don’t see is my heart in a million peices. Breaking even more every time I see you. What you don’t see are the tears I cry when I lay my head. What you don’t see is the hours on end that I just sit on my bed waiting for death to knock on my door. The hours that slowly turn into days. What you don’t see are the ways I punish myself. The way I refuse myself food, torture myself with abortion videos and readings. The way I will walk until I can’t stand, the way I hold my breath and hope it will end me. What you don’t see when I’m smiling in really wanting to die. 

What you don’t see is everything I’ve turned into be. 

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