My life has been changed forever. Its not so easy any more to do even the mundane things. Its as though everything now takes more effort and concentration to achieve what was once so simple. Im like a duck on a pond- a picture of composure and serenity but underneath my legs are paddling like hell against a current that isn’t there.
Is this a current I have created for myself? I am the only one punishing me? Im ashamed and so disappointed in myself for having an abortion. But have I forgotten that the choice was taken away from me? Have I forgotten that he took my voice and forced me into something I knew was wrong? Am I the one living with the guilt and sadness of two people because he is to egocentric too take his share?
There are two types of tired, I suppose one is a dire need of sleep and the other is a dire need for peace. Im in dire need of peace. How possibly do I find peace in this world of turmoil that I live in?
He’s clipped my wings and sad as its is to watch myself, it hurts me more to have forgotten that I have ever flown at all. I look at my reflection, I see a person that doesn’t make eye contact, I see a person who has no voice, I see a person that has no spark or excitement for life. But what pains me more is that I have forgotten the spark I did have, I have forgotten the voice I did have. I am a mere dull image of my pervious self. I am defined as pre abortion self and post abortion self.
I sit often and reflect on the year that I have had. The abortion was one thing, but the emotional torture after was an even bigger part. I honestly believe that if I had been cared for emotionally and physically by him afterwards this would not have had such a big impact on me. I am so saddened that I lost a baby to miscarriage but I fear that is the price I will pay for walking into that clinic.
“Its not always just the heart. Sometimes your mind breaks as well”.