Pebble in my shoe

What’s post abortion really like?

It’s like a pebble in my shoe that only I know about, it’s always there just adding a bit of sadness to all the happy moments, the everyday moments, the yesterday’s, the today’s and the tomorrows.

Some days that pebble is directly under my foot, causing pain that I’m left crying silently all day.

Some days it’s just sitting in my shoe, I know it’s there, i can feel it there, it’s always there. Some days I start to skip with happiness and feel the pebble and I wonder if I should be skipping at all, so stop skipping.

Some days I’m so focused on the pebble, so consumed by the weight of it that I won’t put the shoe on that day.

Other days I just know it’s my pebble, the pebble I’ll always carry around, as a reminder of a painful lesson, the pebble that has changed me, the pebble of what could of been.

It’s like a pebble in my shoe…

Im like a duck on a pond- a picture of composure and serenity but underneath my legs are paddling like hell against a current that isn’t there

My life has been changed forever. Its not so easy any more to do even the mundane things. Its as though everything now takes more effort and concentration to achieve what was once so simple. Im like a duck on a pond- a picture of composure and serenity but underneath my legs are paddling like hell against a current that isn’t there.

Is this a current I have created for myself? I am the only one punishing me? Im ashamed and so disappointed in myself for having an abortion. But have I forgotten that the choice was taken away from me? Have I forgotten that he took my voice and forced me into something I knew was wrong? Am I the one living with the guilt and sadness of two people because he is to egocentric too take his share?

There are two types of tired, I suppose one is a dire need of sleep and the other is a dire need for peace. Im in dire need of peace. How possibly do I find peace in this world of turmoil that I live in?

He’s clipped my wings and sad as its is to watch myself, it hurts me more to have forgotten that I have ever flown at all. I look at my reflection, I see a person that doesn’t make eye contact, I see a person who has no voice, I see a person that has no spark or excitement for life. But what pains me more is that I have forgotten the spark I did have, I have forgotten the voice I did have. I am a mere dull image of my pervious self. I am defined as pre abortion self and post abortion self.

I sit often and reflect on the year that I have had. The abortion was one thing, but the emotional torture after was an even bigger part. I honestly believe that if I had been cared for emotionally and physically by him afterwards this would not have had such a big impact on me. I am so saddened that I lost a baby to miscarriage but I fear that is the price I will pay for walking into that clinic.

“Its not always just the heart. Sometimes your mind breaks as well”. 

Final goodbye- My heart on a page

Dear Shaun,

I find it hard to realise that I am able to write you a letter with such emotion yet I can’t face you, I can’t look at you, walk past your car, hear your name or speak of you. It’s been five months since I have spoken to you. Have you even noticed? I doubt this.

I wish I could introduce you to our new born son, But I can’t.  He would have been here by now. As I write this letter I realise that if I had felt strong enough to stand up for myself that I would be drowning in tears of happiness whilst holding my son. Instead the tears flow that have never stopped since the 2^nd of June.

There is so much that I would like to talk with you about, cry with you about. Im not sure that you are ready. But I know that will come when you try for a family, as it has for me. But you should feel lucky that you are not the one to carry the baby, feel lucky that the baby will not feel the loss, grief, sadness, pain and stress that you will feel. This is what my baby felt, It felt all of my pain and could not bear it and its little heart stopped beating, it died inside of me. For the short three months my baby was with me it felt only sadness. Just when I thought my heart could not break any more. I am angry and hurt that I have lost another child, the most precious gift that one can ever receive. I realise that I can’t be a mother and that hurts with every inch of my being. If I didn’t have to give up our baby then this would never have happened. It hurts that I can’t talk about this with you.

Maybe it was the best choice for you, but that sure as hell doesn’t make it any easier. I wonder if you even think about this baby?  This living thing that we created inside of me? I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that he was yours, you were the only one I had unprotected sex with that month. But really I don’t feel that I need to ‘prove’ this to you. It is what it is. He was 50% you, whether you chose to acknowledge that is on you not me, I can no longer carry that burden.

This was a decision that I had to talk myself into, trust that you were making the right decision. I never really believed that this was the right decision but I knew that it was what you wanted. I was too scared to think. Do you have any idea how much it stung me when you offered to pay for the abortion? I knew at that point what I felt never mattered. So I hid my pain with laughter. What I have done since that night. Some days I wish I had sent those texts I had written out saying I wanted this baby. I wish I had showed you a photo of my face when I looked at my tummy in the mirror, you would have seen such happiness. Something that has not been seen since.

Do you know what its like to crawl up on a table stained with another girls blood and let someone take your baby away?  Do you know what its like to wake every morning and cry? Do you know what its like to lay your head at night and cry? Do you know what its like to wish life was over? Where were you at these times? Two people died on the table that day;  our baby  and me.

I found out the hard way that abortion is a very big deal, it has burned a hole in my soul and changed me forever. Perhaps the aftermath would have not been so intense, had I been able to lean on you for support. At this point the act had already been done, there was no bringing him back. I needed you to be therefore me, just to talk to me, to stay with me, to distract me, to listen to me, to be my friend and you failed me in every way. You represent the worst pain in my life. I can’t reconcile what has happened. There are days when I cant even feel anything, I wonder if you notice? Other times I feel everything. I can’t tell you what is worse.

Im so disappointed in myself for trusting you, for trusting you with our pregnancy decisions. I was so confused and looked to you for guidance and all I got was avoidance. But I now know no mother ever regrets having a child just the one she didn’t. I am not trying to place the blame of the abortion on you, I walked into that clinic (all be it alone). I realize that it is a decision that we both had part in. I am just trying to express how you failed me and your son. I named him Israel Jonathan; I felt that he deserved an identity even if we didn’t allow him a chance at life. I put his name on the farmers Christmas wishing tree, knowing I will never meet him, the tears flowed harder after that day. I made the biggest sacrifice for you, I gave up my child for you and you are nicer to those you pass on the street.

Gosh the tears flow as I type this to you. Unknown if I will ever give it to you. You couldn’t even be bothered to go and water the tree…..everything left to me.

I didn’t want your dick, I didn’t want your hand, I didn’t want your mouth. How come that was all that you offered? I needed your head, I needed your heart. I didn’t want anything sexual from you but hoped that your head and heart would come after……it never did. I needed you, not you using me as a toy….your toy to teach you things, your toy who was ‘amazing’ sexually. Pity you didn’t see this, how sad it is that you didn’t hear the cries of my broken soul?

Im sure that it is obvious that I regret the decision that was made to abort our son, it will be the biggest regret of my life. I was so scared, terrified and confused to face this alone. I just needed to be told everything would be ok. Instead I spent the small amount of energy I had propping you back up, giving you all of the support, even the day of the abortion was spent talking about how you were feeling. I spent so much time and energy chasing you, checking you were ok? I spent sleepless nights worry about you, stressing how I can support you better. Did you even do this for me? I doubt it. Maybe that’s why this has had no effect on you.

I know you were ashamed of people finding out we had sex, but now does that seem like a  big enough of a reason to commit such a sin? Because for me there is no question. Yes we should never have cheated on our faithful partners but that has not left me broken hearted, not left me dead inside, not changed me forever, the abortion did that. I just wished I could have watched him grow up. I didn’t even get the chance to think, you were all about brushing this under the carpet as quick as possible as if it never happened. I never got to bury my baby, where is he now?  I wanted to love him so much but felt you wouldn’t allow me. Where is he now?

At the time I felt that it was ‘our’ baby and we should make the decision together. Now I realise that it was ultimately my baby and my decision and I should have considered the consequences more seriously. Because it is I and I alone who must deal with the choice we made.

I know this letter has been long and full of emotions, ones you are not ready to deal with but you owe it to me to read it carefully and over and over again  and if nothing else realise how your actions or lack of have affected me. My heart is broken, I grieve for my son. Although we were never together, you and I are bonded together, forever through or son. I will always be the first person you had a baby with.  Even though he is not and never will be with us, im sorry things could not have been different. I will live with this decision for the rest of my life with painful reminders of you, him and what could have been every day.

I wanted very much to hold our son to see our son, to smell our son, to hear him cry, to hear him call me mummy. I could have done it on my own. I was selfish putting the needs of you above my son. What kind of person does that make me? We both have blood on our hands. Seeing you almost every day is emotional torture. You are the abuser who’s always watching over me. Preying on me from a distance. I can no longer just ignore it, I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t concentrate, I can’t stop the tears from flowing, I’m frozen, I’m terrified, I’m ever so angry. I pray often that it’s in your moral makeup to release me from this hell. Will you do that? I doubt it.

 

My heart is so heavy; it makes my chest hurt.