I never hated you like I do right now…… I’ve never needed you like I do right now

I never needed you like I do right nowI never needed you like I do right now

I never hated you like I do right now

‘Cause all you ever do is make me

Couldn’t hear the thunder, but I heard your heart race

Couldn’t see the rain, we’re too busy makin’ hurricanes

Love ain’t easy when it ain’t my way

I stumbled across this song on YouTube and it would have been my anthem a year and a half ago. 

I hated you so much for taking my baby away……. But I never needed you so much as I did then. 

But all you did was make me cry 

I couldn’t see what you were doing to me, I couldn’t see the hurricanes and rain you were putting on my soul….. If only I could go back 

But this song no longer speaks to me…. I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need you, who lived through the hurricane of you, who will stand up for women like me who are collateral damage to others lives. 

Thanks for the bricks..

I’ve used them to strengthen my marriage 

I’ve used them to strengthen my soul 

I’ve used them to build a wall to protect me from you

I’ve used them to protect my love and memory of my baby 

I’ll hold on to a few in case I need to throw them back at you one day…..

It’s been year

It’s been a year since you were ripped from me…

It’s been a year since my heart was whole…

It’s been a year since i was excited about the future …

It’s been a year that I have carried this pain…

It’s been a year of wishing I had run away…

It’s been a year of dreaming of what could have been…

It’s been a year of being in this black hole…

It’s been a year since I’ve been myself..

It’s been a year of hiding my pain and shame…

It’s been the year from hell but it’s been a year…

Missing you


Missing you is like walking in the pouring rain and expecting to stay dry

It’s like calling for peace when the first bullet has already been fired

and it’s like taking back a conversation that you’ve never had before

Missing you is needing to cry but nothing having enough tears

like screaming at night with no one to hear you

and it’s like loving a memory with only ghosts to share it with

It’s like asking a blind man to paint the colours of the rainbow

or asking a deaf man to sing you their favourite song

It’s like having a million things to say but saying nothing at all


I wish I could share this poem with you, I wish you would read it and look at me and say ‘same’. I wish you could feel the same pain and loss that I feel and say ‘I know what you mean’. I wish we could have never fired the first bullet.

Your all I’ve got left of him………….there’s nothing else. Being next to you is like being with him. I don’t feel so far away from him when I’m with you. When I listen to your heartbeat its like I’m hearing his. When I smell you its like I’m getting to smell him. When I look into your eyes it’s like I get to look into his eyes. When I see your smile it’s like I get to see him smile. I can close my eyes and feel so close to him. A closeness I can only get with you.

Your all I’ve got left. I wonder if you knew this you would still be so cruel? I wonder if you look at me and think the same? I wonder if you smell me you feel the same? I wonder when you see me smile you think about him?

I need you to not make me so far away from him. I need you for that.