You ask how I am? 

All of us get asked how we are several times a day. We respond politely “fine thanks, how are you?”. What if we were to answer honestly, what if we were to take a leap of faith and open ourselves up, be vulnerable  answer with the truth. Open up a wound that we have placed a band aid on. Wouldn’t we understand each other more, wouldn’t we connect with others on a deeper level. The result maybe less people walking around alone, people looking into each other’s eyes and seeing an understanding.

So you ask me how I am? This is the answer, this is the raw painful truth.

I’m always walking around like I’m missing something, like I’m looking for someone. There is a loneliness when I stand, when I walk with my head down. I turn to grab my child’s hand so often and then I’m reminded he’s not here and never will be. 

My heart is broken into a thousand pieces and I can’t share how I’m feeling with anyone. 

I’m so god dam lonely in this world and I fear I will always feel like this. 

That’s how I am! 

You ask how I am? 

” I’m fine thanks” 

#whatyoudontsee

I stumbled across this hashtag whilst reading through buzz feed. 

“#whatyou don’t see is that depression is a million agonising feelings or you don’t feel anything at all”

Whoever wrote that must be able to read my mind. I can either be on the brink of tears, swallowing that unbearable lump over and over again or completely detached from life, my surroundings and people that I’m like a sad portrait sitting on a wall. 

“#whatyoudontsee is the terror that someone might notice that somethings wrong and the pain when know one does” 

I walk around work, we my head and my heart in the sand. So ashamed of myself, not making eye contact with anyone or anything. I feel such sadness, like there is a gaping hole in my chest where my heart once sat. How can people not see this hole? It’s so big . You must be able to see it in my eyes, glassed over with tears with shame reflecting off them. 

So time for my own #whatyoudontsee….

What you don’t see is my heart in a million peices. Breaking even more every time I see you. What you don’t see are the tears I cry when I lay my head. What you don’t see is the hours on end that I just sit on my bed waiting for death to knock on my door. The hours that slowly turn into days. What you don’t see are the ways I punish myself. The way I refuse myself food, torture myself with abortion videos and readings. The way I will walk until I can’t stand, the way I hold my breath and hope it will end me. What you don’t see when I’m smiling in really wanting to die. 

What you don’t see is everything I’ve turned into be. 

Final goodbye- My heart on a page

Dear Shaun,

I find it hard to realise that I am able to write you a letter with such emotion yet I can’t face you, I can’t look at you, walk past your car, hear your name or speak of you. It’s been five months since I have spoken to you. Have you even noticed? I doubt this.

I wish I could introduce you to our new born son, But I can’t.  He would have been here by now. As I write this letter I realise that if I had felt strong enough to stand up for myself that I would be drowning in tears of happiness whilst holding my son. Instead the tears flow that have never stopped since the 2nd of June.

There is so much that I would like to talk with you about, cry with you about. Im not sure that you are ready. But I know that will come when you try for a family, as it has for me. But you should feel lucky that you are not the one to carry the baby, feel lucky that the baby will not feel the loss, grief, sadness, pain and stress that you will feel. This is what my baby felt, It felt all of my pain and could not bear it and its little heart stopped beating, it died inside of me. For the short three months my baby was with me it felt only sadness. Just when I thought my heart could not break any more. I am angry and hurt that I have lost another child, the most precious gift that one can ever receive. I realise that I can’t be a mother and that hurts with every inch of my being. If I didn’t have to give up our baby then this would never have happened. It hurts that I can’t talk about this with you.

Maybe it was the best choice for you, but that sure as hell doesn’t make it any easier. I wonder if you even think about this baby?  This living thing that we created inside of me? I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that he was yours, you were the only one I had unprotected sex with that month. But really I don’t feel that I need to ‘prove’ this to you. It is what it is. He was 50% you, whether you chose to acknowledge that is on you not me, I can no longer carry that burden.

This was a decision that I had to talk myself into, trust that you were making the right decision. I never really believed that this was the right decision but I knew that it was what you wanted. I was too scared to think. Do you have any idea how much it stung me when you offered to pay for the abortion? I knew at that point what I felt never mattered. So I hid my pain with laughter. What I have done since that night. Some days I wish I had sent those texts I had written out saying I wanted this baby. I wish I had showed you a photo of my face when I looked at my tummy in the mirror, you would have seen such happiness. Something that has not been seen since.

Do you know what its like to crawl up on a table stained with another girls blood and let someone take your baby away?  Do you know what its like to wake every morning and cry? Do you know what its like to lay your head at night and cry? Do you know what its like to wish life was over? Where were you at these times? Two people died on the table that day;  our baby  and me.

I found out the hard way that abortion is a very big deal, it has burned a hole in my soul and changed me forever. Perhaps the aftermath would have not been so intense, had I been able to lean on you for support. At this point the act had already been done, there was no bringing him back. I needed you to be therefore me, just to talk to me, to stay with me, to distract me, to listen to me, to be my friend and you failed me in every way. You represent the worst pain in my life. I can’t reconcile what has happened. There are days when I cant even feel anything, I wonder if you notice? Other times I feel everything. I can’t tell you what is worse.

Im so disappointed in myself for trusting you, for trusting you with our pregnancy decisions. I was so confused and looked to you for guidance and all I got was avoidance. But I now know no mother ever regrets having a child just the one she didn’t. I am not trying to place the blame of the abortion on you, I walked into that clinic (all be it alone). I realize that it is a decision that we both had part in. I am just trying to express how you failed me and your son. I named him Israel Jonathan; I felt that he deserved an identity even if we didn’t allow him a chance at life. I put his name on the farmers Christmas wishing tree, knowing I will never meet him, the tears flowed harder after that day. I made the biggest sacrifice for you, I gave up my child for you and you are nicer to those you pass on the street.

Gosh the tears flow as I type this to you. Unknown if I will ever give it to you. You couldn’t even be bothered to go and water the tree…..everything left to me.

I didn’t want your dick, I didn’t want your hand, I didn’t want your mouth. How come that was all that you offered? I needed your head, I needed your heart. I didn’t want anything sexual from you but hoped that your head and heart would come after……it never did. I needed you, not you using me as a toy….your toy to teach you things, your toy who was ‘amazing’ sexually. Pity you didn’t see this, how sad it is that you didn’t hear the cries of my broken soul?

Im sure that it is obvious that I regret the decision that was made to abort our son, it will be the biggest regret of my life. I was so scared, terrified and confused to face this alone. I just needed to be told everything would be ok. Instead I spent the small amount of energy I had propping you back up, giving you all of the support, even the day of the abortion was spent talking about how you were feeling. I spent so much time and energy chasing you, checking you were ok? I spent sleepless nights worry about you, stressing how I can support you better. Did you even do this for me? I doubt it. Maybe that’s why this has had no effect on you.

I know you were ashamed of people finding out we had sex, but now does that seem like a  big enough of a reason to commit such a sin? Because for me there is no question. Yes we should never have cheated on our faithful partners but that has not left me broken hearted, not left me dead inside, not changed me forever, the abortion did that. I just wished I could have watched him grow up. I didn’t even get the chance to think, you were all about brushing this under the carpet as quick as possible as if it never happened. I never got to bury my baby, where is he now?  I wanted to love him so much but felt you wouldn’t allow me. Where is he now?

At the time I felt that it was ‘our’ baby and we should make the decision together. Now I realise that it was ultimately my baby and my decision and I should have considered the consequences more seriously. Because it is I and I alone who must deal with the choice we made.

I know this letter has been long and full of emotions, ones you are not ready to deal with but you owe it to me to read it carefully and over and over again  and if nothing else realise how your actions or lack of have affected me. My heart is broken, I grieve for my son. Although we were never together, you and I are bonded together, forever through or son. I will always be the first person you had a baby with.  Even though he is not and never will be with us, im sorry things could not have been different. I will live with this decision for the rest of my life with painful reminders of you, him and what could have been every day.

I wanted very much to hold our son to see our son, to smell our son, to hear him cry, to hear him call me mummy. I could have done it on my own. I was selfish putting the needs of you above my son. What kind of person does that make me? We both have blood on our hands. Seeing you almost every day is emotional torture. You are the abuser who’s always watching over me. Preying on me from a distance. I can no longer just ignore it, I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t concentrate, I can’t stop the tears from flowing, I’m frozen, I’m terrified, I’m ever so angry. I pray often that it’s in your moral makeup to release me from this hell. Will you do that? I doubt it.

 

My heart is so heavy; it makes my chest hurt.

Accepting the apology you never received 

“Would sorry have made a difference? Does it ever? It’s just a word. One word against a thousand actions”

Just a simple sorry I didn’t listen to you. Just a simple I’m sorry your in pain. Just a simple I’m sorry I was ever so wrong. Just a simple I wish I could take it all back. Just a simple I’m sorry I treated you that way.

Yes….. That would make a difference. It wouldn’t take away the pain, it wouldn’t take away my tears, it wouldn’t pick my heart up and put it back together. It wouldn’t bring him back. It wouldn’t change the past. But it would make a difference.

“They say listen to your heart. But what if your heart is in a million pieces? Which piece do you listen to?”

Each piece of my heart is saying a different thing. Each piece of my heart is pulling and pushing me in different directions. But they all have one thing in common. They are all so sad and filled with tears. They are sore and heavy. Heavy like the baggage I carry each day, in my soul, my soul that is so dark.

I’m tired ever so tired…….

“I’m so tired of feeling like a shattered vase across a slippery floor and I’m so tired of watching you tip toe around the pieces so you don’t cut yourself on me”

Missing you

 

Missing you is like walking in the pouring rain and expecting to stay dry

It’s like calling for peace when the first bullet has already been fired

and it’s like taking back a conversation that you’ve never had before

Missing you is needing to cry but nothing having enough tears

like screaming at night with no one to hear you

and it’s like loving a memory with only ghosts to share it with

It’s like asking a blind man to paint the colours of the rainbow

or asking a deaf man to sing you their favourite song

It’s like having a million things to say but saying nothing at all

 

I wish I could share this poem with you, I wish you would read it and look at me and say ‘same’. I wish you could feel the same pain and loss that I feel and say ‘I know what you mean’. I wish we could have never fired the first bullet.

Your all I’ve got left of him………….there’s nothing else. Being next to you is like being with him. I don’t feel so far away from him when I’m with you. When I listen to your heartbeat its like I’m hearing his. When I smell you its like I’m getting to smell him. When I look into your eyes it’s like I get to look into his eyes. When I see your smile it’s like I get to see him smile. I can close my eyes and feel so close to him. A closeness I can only get with you.

Your all I’ve got left. I wonder if you knew this you would still be so cruel? I wonder if you look at me and think the same? I wonder if you smell me you feel the same? I wonder when you see me smile you think about him?

I need you to not make me so far away from him. I need you for that.

The story no longer matters

The story doesn’t matter, the story is unimportant, the story is a bunch of ‘lies’, the story is make believe, the story is different, the story is obsolete.

No sound comes out but the tears still flow.

No words come out but the tears still flow. 

No movement of the body but the tears still flow.

I’m the worst I’ve ever been. What’s the difference? What’s changed? Hope! Hope is what has changed.

The hope that time will heal

The hope the it was for a reason

The hope that it was ment to be

The hope for closure

The hope for tomorrow 

The hope for light

Hope is a lie, hope is a mirage, hope is Santa, hope is nonexistent, hope is a nasty bitch! 

The eyes never lie

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see?

People pass me in the street our eyes briefly meet. Everything you see isn’t everything to me.

I look into the mirror and what do I see?

A broken girl that gazes at me. Reflections don’t lie, that girl wants to die…..

You crack a joke, I flash a smile but that smile only lasts a while. I smile so that’s what people see on my face but deep down I’m a worthless disgrace.

Nobody can hear my cries at night, for I designed my mask to hide the lies. Inside I’m crying with no fear of dying. Although the voices in my head already tell me I’m dead…

Once you loose your soul there is no turning back, everything that made you happy no longer has an impact.

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see?

‘A broken girl staring back at me’